Five times Kurt Hummel wished he was straight
by SuperGleek
Summary: Five times Kurt Hummel wished he was straight and the one time he was glad he wasn't.


_**Five times Kurt Hummel wished he was straight...**_

_**Mercedes **_

Mercedes Jones was fierce and fabulous. Big, beautiful and completely unashamed of who she was she seemed like the perfect friend. Then she decided that apparently he was the perfect boyfriend.

Why any straight girl even considers him a possible candidate for a crush is beyond him, because as much as he might have denied it he was as flammable as a can of hairspray. But there she was, the beautiful Mercedes smiling at him and asking when they could just tell people they were dating and he panics.

For a split second he considers simply smiling back at her and giving her a kiss, because honestly it would be so damn easy. Then he realises that it would be too cruel and he likes Mercedes way too much to ever treat her like that, so instead he make up some ridiculous lie about being in love with Rachel and ends up with a busted windscreen.

Being gay is a bitch

_**Tina**_

He has absolutely no idea how he ended up with Tina Cohen-Chang as a friend. She was dark, shy and had virtually no confidence, the polar opposite of what made him fall in love with Mercedes. But there is one thing he absolutely does adore in a person and its talent, the ordinary just doesn't cut it with him, he needs people who shine and flare to surround him.

One of the things that Kurt loved about Tina was that she could dance, like really truly dance with rhythm and technique, so it was only natural that he asks her to participate in his little Beyonce project. After being caught by his father and Brittany announcing that he now belongs on the football team he begins to panic. There is no way he can keep up his little "I'm just a flamboyant straight guy" act, dancing to Beyonce in a skin tight black leotard was way too gay even for him. So when his dad asks if one of the girls was his girlfriend he slaps poor Tina's ass and makes out like their screwing every weekend.

Once his dad leaves he turns to apologize to Tina when he realises that if he were even just a tiny bit straight he would totally tap that; tiny, beautiful, exotic, talented Tina.

He almost hates himself when he realises he has absolutely no interest in her sexually whatsoever.

_**Quinn**_

Unless Kurt were to offer his sperm up to some lesbian couple it is pretty unlikely he will ever have children. Hell he wasn't even sure if he wanted to, after all the only other gay couple to have children he knew of were Rachel's two gay dads, and he really really doesn't want a mini Rachel Berry baby.

When the glee club find out that Quinn Fabray got herself knocked up he was a little excited, after all this was Lima and any drama was good drama, but mostly he just felt sorry for everybody involved. Two lives ruined because somebody couldn't be bothered using a condom.

But the one thing he never expected to feel was jealous, because as bad as the situation was as he knew he would never get the chance, no really.

He never really liked Quinn but as her pregnancy progressed she just seemed to grow more and more beautiful, and Finns constant looks of adoration and love were enough to send a tiny stab of jealousy every time he saw them together.

A tiny Rachel Berry didn't seem so bad all of a sudden.

_**Brittany**_

There were slow people and then there was Brittany.

He firmly maintained that she wasn't stupid but rather certifiably insane. She was also one of those wonderful people who could hook up and have sex without getting attached or feeling too bad about it. So when he decided that it seemed like a good idea to dress up as a lesbian lumberjack and start singing Mellencamp it also seemed like a good idea to begin a relationship with Britt.

Disaster couldn't even cover it, not only did he feel like a molester for taking advantage of Brittany he also felt slightly sick every time she attempted to progress further than kissing.

When he finally broke up with her and she looked like somebody had killed her cat he never quite forgave himself.

_**Rachel**_

If he were completely honest with himself Rachel Berry was the Jewish female version of himself; Talented, driven, ambitious, self centred and more than a little manipulative.

For some strange reason this evoked an odd mixture of protectiveness and hatred towards her. Nobody liked to see their flaws in the flesh, but he also couldn't deny the girl had her charms, which would explain why boys were constantly falling for her. She was as loyal as she was abrasive and although she didn't have the plastic Barbie pretty looks of Santana or Quinn she was quite beautiful in her own odd way.

The problem with Rachel was that she was so desperate to be loved she allowed these stupid boys to take advantage of her.

After seeing her walk into the choir room covered in raw egg and looking as though her entire world had crashed down he realized that if he were straight they would be a match made in heaven. He knew he would treat a woman better than any of the meatheads she dated ever could. Plus the children would be insanely attractive.

In that moment he honestly wished he could give Rachel the love she so desperately craved and deserved.

_**...And the one time he was glad he wasn't**_

_**David **_

Dave Karofsky had made his life hell on earth. He was a mean scary bastard who directed all his self hatred towards those who didn't deserve it.

On a Friday night while making a quick trip to the supermarket for some basil and pesto he saw his bogeyman sitting on a curb. God knows what possessed him to stop but he did and there he found Karofsky, looking heartbroken and battered.

As it turns out Azimio wasn't as accepting as Mercedes was about His best friend being gay.

As he sat on the curb with his former bully sobbing into his Alexander McQueen jacket he realized that not everybody had friends like his and an understand father like Burt.

For once being gay didn't seem like a burden or a hassle.

_**A/N – I always really liked reading these types of fic's so I thought I'd take a crack at it. **_

_**Let me know if I did ok! Hope you enjoyed this. **_


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